


The Beanie-Baby Intervention

by Alfreds_Mustache



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: Alfred deserves to be paid more, Attempt at Humor, Bruce is extremely ooc, Dick has a Beanie Baby collection, Dick is also a tad ooc, Humor, Jason swears a lot, beanie babies - Freeform, beanie baby collections, beanie baby intervention, jason and tim are confused, the things he has to put up with i swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-10-26 12:23:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20742149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alfreds_Mustache/pseuds/Alfreds_Mustache
Summary: Dick has a problem, but he refuses to admit it. He doesn't understand why Jay and Tim are so against him having a couple of Beanie Babies.Okay, so it was more than a couple, but it wasn't THAT much. Only a couple hundred.Okay, so maybe they were right, but that didn't change the fact that he loved each and every one of his precious, little Beanie Babies.Besides, Jay and Tim were probably just jealous.





	The Beanie-Baby Intervention

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it isn't mine. All rights go to DC Comics.
> 
> WARNING: Lots of swearing (literally only from Jason), everything from "fuck" to "oh my god". Consider yourself warned...
> 
> There are no descriptions in here, and the dialogue isnt labeled, but I tried to incorporate each character's personality into whatever they're saying so you can (hopefully) distinguish between all of them.

“Um. Dick..?”

“Yeah?”

“What’s this?”

“My collection.”

“Riiight…. So you just… keep this unbelievably colossal hoard --”

“Collection.”

“...’Collection’, right -- of opened cereal boxes and god-knows-how-old beanie babies --”

“They aren’t old!”

“Dick, I literally haven’t seen that purple one over there since 1998.”

“It’s a platypus, and her name is Patti.”

“So?”

“So, Tim, she’s in mint-condition and worth almost 300 dollars.”

“...Our dad is literally a billionaire and we live in an actual mansion. Why would you sell that thing just to get 300? Our weekly allowance is 500.”

“Woah, woah, woah! I am NOT selling her.”

“Then what --?”

“Huh? Who are we selling, and is it Damian?"

“Patti is not for sale!”

“Who?”

“He has a platypus. A beanie baby platypus from the 90s named Patti.”

“What the fuck, why? Dickface, do you even -- ...is that a family-sized box of Lucky Charms?”

“...Yes.”

“...”

“Jason? Are you okay?”

“...Where..? ...why..? ...when..?”

“Seriously, Dick. What is all this, where did you get it, and why do you have it?”

“I dunno. It’s just, y’know. My collection.”

“But why??”

“It’s just a hobby, I guess. It’s not that weird, guys.”

“It is the weirdest fucking thing I have ever seen, Dickface.”

“What about two weeks ago, when we found him in the kitchen covered head-to-toe in whipped cream? Wally was there, too; he was dumping literal tubs of sprinkles onto him.”

“Shit, I forgot about that… Then I guess that makes this the weirdest fuckin’ thing I’ve seen this week.”

“... it’s not that weird…”

“Yeah, Dickface, it is.”

“Well, like I already said; this is my hobby. You guys have hobbies too.”

“Fucking -- My hobbies are things like polishing my pistols or fuckin’ cooking fettuccini, and Tim’s are, like, puzzles and math, or stalking Superboy, or some other shit! That stuff’s normal. Your stuff is weird.”

“I don’t stalk him! We’re friends!”

“It isn’t weird!”

“Ah, Master Timothy, there you are. I have your -- Good lord! Master Richard, what in heaven’s name have you done, child?!”

“This is my --”

“It’s his collection.”

“And hobby. Apparently.”

“Master Richard… I don’t…?”

“Way to go, Dickface; you broke Alfred.”

“Hey!”

“Alfred? You good?”

“Ah… Ahem. Pardon me, sirs, I need to… excuse myself. I believe I hear...Master Bruce summoning me.”

“...Whoa. Jay’s right. You broke Alfred.”

“He’s probably just jealous.”

“Jealous?!”

“Jealous of what?”

“I dunno, maybe he--”

“Dick, may I --"

"Oh! Hi, Bruce."

"-- may I talk to you for a moment?”

“Sure thing, boss!”

“He said that way too enthusiastically.”

“Yes he did.”

“So. Dick… Dick, look at me. No, put the Platypus down for a moment. Now, listen very carefully…”

“Christ, if he nods any more enthusiastically his head’s gonna fucking pop off.”

“...Excellent. Alright, chum. Remember that conversation you and I had last week? About the… collections?”

“Uh-huh!”

“Please please please let him say that Dick needs to get rid of this shit.”

“Or tell him that this obsession of his is getting way out of hand.”

“Are we holding a surprise-intervention for Grayson? It’s about time.”

“Fuck! Do you even know how to knock?!”

“This isn’t your room.”

“Fuck you.”

“Guys! Shut up. I'm trying to listen.”

“...Dick, you know exactly what I'm talking about.”

“Ughhhh, fine! ...Which ones?”

“Zodiac, Holiday Bears, Sea Creatures, and Horses.”

“Awww, but Bruce--”

“No, Dick. We had a deal. Now hand them over.”

“Fiiiiiiiiine.”

“Now.”

“I know, I know! Here, take ‘em.”

“Oh my god. He actually did it.”

“Did you honestly expect anything less from Father? How naiive you are, Drake.”

“Shut the fuck up for a second, guys. We’re witnessing a miracle.”

“Fine.”

“Whatever. Imbecile.”

“...Thank you, Dick. This was long overdue. I’ll see you boys for dinner.”

“So, Dick, how does it feel to be able to see your floor again?”

“This sucks. I thought I had, like, another week!”

“Another week of hoarding?”

“Yeah, no.”

“I miss them already.”

“You still have half of them, Dick-for-brains.”

“Yeah, Dick. at least you didn't lose all of them.”

“Tt. You just rephrased exactly what Todd just said.”

“Shut up.”

“...But Bruce was right…”

“I’m glad you’re finally seeing reason, Grayson.”

“...I mean, they weren’t even mine…”

“There you go, Dick -- that’s the right attitude.”

“Um. Wait. Dickface, what do you mean they weren’t even yours??”

“Oh my god, Dick! Did you seriously steal Beanie Babies?!”

“Jesus Christ. Goldie finally commits his first felony and he decides to steal -- of all the things in the entire world -- some goddamn Beanie Babies?”

“Grayson, you are an idiot.”

“Hey! And I didn’t steal them!”

“Mhmm.”

“Then how’d you get them if they weren’t even yours?”

“They were lent to me.”

“Who the fuck loans Beanie Babies? And I’m fucking tired of saying that name.”

“Yeah, who, Dick?”

"It's kinda hard to explain..."

“You know what? I don’t even care about this conversation anymore. Later, assholes.”

“I’m glad you gave up those Beanie Babies, Grayson. It was the right decision.”

“Thanks, Dami!”

“Well, as much as I hate agreeing with Jay, he had a point. I’m gonna go train.”

“Bye, Timmy! Dami, where are you going?”

“Drake! I was going to train first! Don’t you dare even think about touching that equipment before me!!”

“ ...So, Patti. Now what?”

**

“Master Bruce, may I have a word?”

“Sure, Alfred. What’s on your mind?”

“Well, sir. It’s about the, ahem, ‘Beanie Babies’.”

“What about them?”

“If you knew he’d only try to add them to his own..'collection', Master Bruce… then why, sir, lend them to him in the first place?”

“We were going to trade, but, you know. Last week was his birthday, so I let him keep both of our collections until today.”

“... I see.”

“Anything else, Alfred?”

“Nothing at the moment, Master Bruce. Will that be all?”

“Ah, yes. Could you please let Dick know that I am, in fact, willing to trade Mystic for Princess?”

“Certainly, sir.”

“Thank you, Alfred. I really do appreciate it.”

“Of course, Master Bruce. Carry on.”

“Will do.”

“... I don’t get nearly enough credit for what I have to put up with in this house…”

“Did you say something, Alfred?”

“Nothing at all, Master Bruce. Nothing at all.”

**Author's Note:**

> thanks so much for reading!! this was my attempt at writing something funny, but i know it might've been a little confusing/hard to understand... let me know in the comments what you thought about it!! <3


End file.
